I am a mess. I noticed blood in Ali’s poop and (stupidly?) Googled it. From what I read I should take her to the emergency ER right away. The articles I have read says her kidneys are falling and her organs could be shutting down.  I have had an awful feeling lately that she was dying. I will admit I have been thinking this from time to time since she was 10 but this time it’s different. She is weak. She is not always using her little box. She has been vomiting. She jumps up to drink water from the sink but doesn’t always make it to the counter. When she doesn’t make it my heart breaks. I know she is getting weaker, and I am dying inside. She has not been cleaning herself well to the point she is getting knotty. I have been told that is a sign she is going downhill.

I know I have been in denial. I know I have not wanted to face the reality. I know she is dying. I do. I can’t afford to take her to the vet or emergency care which is what I have been reading I should be doing. I am so broke from being jobless so long. I would do anything to save her but she is 18. I know it’s not realistic. I know she is not going to live forever. As much as my heart is breaking as I write this. I know it’s true. 

I hope she is not in pain. I hope she goes peacefully in her sleep. I hope to God I am not here alone when it happens. I am a mess now, and nothing has happened. I can’t imagine how I will be when she in fact is gone.

Please pray, if you do that kind of thing, that she goes peacefully and doesn’t suffer much pain. I know she is just a cat to many of you but to me she has been my constant companion for 18 years. I don’t know what I will do without her. Please keep positive thoughts this way. Thank you.