DailyFreakOut

I have been unemployed for over a year now. Thankfully unemployment has been extended or I would have been completely screwed.  I have been looking for a job everyday for hours on end.  I don’t seem to be getting anywhere. Jobs are few and far between. Some days there seem to be a ton of jobs, but I am not getting calls regarding my resume.  How long does it take for potential employers to go through resumes? Can they go through them faster? The unemployment is almost at 10%. Look at the resumes, set up the interviews and hire some of these unemployed people! Hello Marketing, Event, PR firms, I am talking to you. Hire me! I am ready, willing and able to work for you NOW!

I am getting frustrated and starting to FREAK OUT!  My FREAKING OUT is the culprit of me not sleeping lately.  I can’t seem to get a full night sleep anymore. I am constantly tossing and turning. Before I was laid off, I was a fantastic sleeper. I could sleep 8 hours each and every night. Now, I am lucky to get 5 hours of sleep. The lack of sleep is catching up on me. I am groggy, run down, and feel like I am losing my mind.

I am remaining positive and confident I will find full time employment soon. I am doing my best to control my FREAKING OUT and not over think my lack of job. One day I will sleep again, hopefully sooner than later.

In my life, I have dated a few boys (and yes they were boys) in my life, never for a long period of time, and never on Valentine’s Day. This year for the first time, I thought I will be dating someone for V-day.  For the most part I am pretty low key; Valentine’s Day was no expectation. I didn’t want to have high expectations since I didn’t think Anthony would remember. I thought any small gesture would have put me over the moon.

Two weeks before V-Day Anthony texted me he had an idea for us on Valentine’s Day. I was in a word. . . shocked. I never thought he would be that guy to remember. I was very impressed. I still didn’t want to get my hopes up, and didn’t think too much about it. Whatever he was planning was a surprise. He was so excited and dubbed this Valentine’s Day; Pamela and Anthony’s Inaugural Valentine’s Day.  Soon after, the idea of matching t-shirts was born. The idea of the matching shirts was cute, but little did we know it would take over 15 hours to produce. I really thought it would be a quick, fun idea. Since we didn’t have experience making shirts this process took forever. In the end, the shirts came out awesome. We got a ton of comments. The shirts came out so good, people kept asking if we had them done professionally. Of course, next year we will have to make these fabulous t-shirts again! Hopefully the second time won’t be as time consuming since we know what we are doing.

The big plan was a secret, but Anthony kept slipping. I soon figured out we were going on a trip. I was so excited since I am new to LA; I have not been to many places. There are so many places I am dying to go to and explore! The Friday before Valentine’s Day, my amazing boyfriend send me a dozen red roses. The note said we were going to Santa Barbara.  I was beyond excited. I have been waiting to go there for as long as I could remember, so far V-day was off to a magical start!  

Sunday morning we left bright and early for our road trip to Santa Barbara. After an hour and a half drive, singing to the mix CD I created for our trip, we arrived at our adorable hotel a few blocks from the beach. I was beyond excited! I knew this was going to be a fabulous Valentine’s Day. Our first stop was wine tasting. Anthony mapped out the wineries we were going to go to. I was so impressed.  We started our journey ending up at various wineries; meet awesome people along the way including Sarah our first sommelier, Suzie who took our pictures, Dave the owner of the second winery, plus many more people along the way.  The first two wineries were amazing, one on one attention, not the corporate feeling. They were very welcoming, and really taught us a lot about the wines we were drinking. The last two wineries were the complete opposite. They didn’t make us feel welcome at all. They were trying to up sell us, not teach us about wine. Anthony and I were so disappointed with the Santa Barbara Winery we walked out. 

After a quick stop at the hotel, we were off to the second stop on our fabulous Valentine’s Day, a romantical sunset cruise ride with unlimited champagne. The view from the boat was amazing, the people were friendly, the seals were out, and the champagne was flowing. After a day of drinking wine, and now flowing champagne I was feeling a little sea sick. The caption was going very fast, and I was feeling the wave’s hard core. Thankfully I started to feel ill towards the end of the cruise. I was having a lovely time until this happened. I didn’t understand why the caption was going so fast to nowhere. It’s not like we had a specific destination. We took the boat to watch the sunset, and come back to the shore. Did we have to go that fast?  As soon as we were off the boat I was feeling much better!

Anthony and I spent the next day at my happy place, the beach. The weather was perfect, high 70’s low 80’s. I was overjoyed. I love the beach and sun. I kept reminding myself it’s February and we were walking on the beach. How lucky are we?!

Nearly three weeks after Valentine’s Day I am still in awe of what Anthony planned for our very first Valentine’s Day together.  I am so lucky he took his time to plan such an amazing Valentine’s Day for us. He made me feel so special. There is nothing more I have ever wanted. I am still smiling from our fabulous time!

I have lived in Los Angeles for 6 months already. I am starting to realize what I have done. I moved over 2,500 miles away from the two states I have ever lived in. I moved away from my friends and family. All of this is obvious, but I think I am finally seeing the magnitude of living so far away.  I am realizing how hard it is not to see my mom every other month, how hard it is not to go to my friend’s showers, birthday parties or see their babies born. I am realizing I am missing see my best friend’s children grow up.

I am dealing with the consequences of a move this big. I don’t have a ton of family. I have cousins, aunts and uncles but they never played a pivotal role growing up. My father is a man I have a very strange relationship with. He is someone I could do without seeing again, which is horrible to say but completely true. My mom is the one I am most concerned about not seeing often. My mom and I (as you know if you have been reading the blog) have a very dramatic relationship. She was the most outspoken about not wanting me to move, the most annoyed, the most heartbroken I was leaving. Even though I have talked about moving to Los Angeles my entire life, she was so upset I would ever move so far away from her. My mom knew what it was like to have my grandmother live on the other side of the country. She knew what it was like to live, and not have her in life every day. After I moved she told me how hard this was for her. I didn’t care; I moved and was making a new life for myself. I was making my dream a reality.

Now, 6 months later with no trip back to NJ/NY in site, I am starting to really see what my mom was saying. The gut of my stomach is starting to ache of missing my mom, and the fun times we have shared. While when we fought it was nasty, we had some really fun times that I miss dearly. I know she is not going to be around forever. I did put that into account when I decided to move here, but I wondered if I should hold my dream back for her. I didn’t want to live my life wondering anymore, so I took the plunge and moved.  

I didn’t grow up in a wealthy family. I don’t have money on my own. I am still unemployed. I am not sure when I will go back east again. As much as I don’t have a desire to go back any time soon, I would love to see my mom. It’s my only hope she will come visit me and see how happy I am here.  I would love her to realize I am the only family she has and decide to move here when she retires. I would love nothing more if she was closer to me, and by closer I mean 2 hours away.

As time goes on, and the gut in my stomach grows bigger with concern that something will happen to her, I need to try and remain calm, and hope she will one day move out west one day.

For your viewing pleasure, some pictures from my trip to New York, a little late, but awesome none the less!

Sometimes things just come together all it takes is the right time and place.

As many of you know I have wanted to love to Los Angeles my entire life ever since I could speak I wanted to come here.  I never had enough money or guts. When I lost my job,  I thought this is my chance to make my move. I have a small income with unemployment. My biggest fear was not having money once I moved out here.  

Six months ago, I made the move that changed the direction of my life.

Nothing is easy when you first move; you miss your friends, your life, familiarity of your community etc. I had a few bad days in the beginning where I was depressed, wanted to be alone and wondered what the hell I just did.  I was doing my best to be social and meet people but it was hard especially on my hard days.

When I was looking for an apartment on Craig’s List while in NY, the Fella who was looking for roommates friended me on Facebook.  Through his status updates on Facebook the Fella was looking for someone to join him to see Katy Perry. I love Katy Perry, knew I needed to meet people so thought why comment asking him to pick me. I never thought he would pick me.  That day I was shopping and going to the movies at the Grove, completely forgot about the Fella and the concert. I came home from a day of shopping, to find a message from him telling me he picked me to come. At this point it was 8ish, I was sure he was at the concert already, I swallowed my pride and texted him.  No shock, they were already at the concert, but he invited me out to meet them after. I really was not feeling it. I was down and missing my friends. It had been 2 weeks in LA, and was in a rut. I gave him every excuse in the book not come but he convinced me coming would put me in a better mood.  I got dressed fast, didn’t try too hard, wore sneakers which I NEVER do when I go out. I really was not feeling it, but thought I need to meet people!

The Fella, Anthony met me in front of the club. My first impression was he was nice, did his best to include me in the conversations, but I was not attracted to him. I hoped he would be a good friend since I was severely lacking in the friend department. At some point that evening I mentioned that I had theatre hopped during that day, Anthony’s eyes lit up and said we should go sometime. I felt like the biggest fake. I only theatre hopped that day because it was over 95 degrees that day and my apartment was beyond hot. I figured why not. It could be fun, and a great way to seal the deal and officially be friends.

Anthony and I had been texting and messaging after that night. I didn’t think he would remember we talked about theatre hopping. I was wrong. Two weeks later Anthony and I went theatre hopping. We had a great time. I was constantly thinking is this a date, are we friends. The uncertainty was very strange. At some point Anthony’s hand grazed mine, and was thinking what the hell is going on here! I still wanted to be his friend, as the day/night went on I was becoming more attracted to him. I found out we had a lot in common, and really got a long well.   

As they say the rest is history, we began dating soon after. For nearly 4 months Anthony was the guy I was (the fabulous) guy I was dating. When I was in New York, he sent flowers to my mom’s house proclaiming boyfriendhood. I was on cloud 9.

I never had the best luck dating in NY. I did my best to put myself out there but really I was more annoyed with dating.  I always felt like I was on an interview. The men I met in NY were all about themselves, and always looking for something better. I had it. I decided at the age of 28 I was over dating, and fine with living alone.  I know now how sad and miserable that sounds it was so much easier for me then. 

With Anthony and my relationship everything seems to have fallen into place. The Melrose Place apartment I moved into is a mere 7 minutes walking from his apartment.  When I was looking at this place I had no idea how close it was to his. If I did I might not have taken it, just in case things got weird.  Now I am so thankful I live so close to him since I don’t have a car. We are geographically desirable!

I feel so lucky that I met Anthony. I know he has helped my transition to Southern Californian so much easier. Being with him has taught me so many things and I am so thankful for that.  While I had issues when I first moved here, things seemed to be coming together nicely. I had an amazing boyfriend, a great Melrose Place apartment, and fabulous friends.  I just need a job and a car! Fingers crossed that will happen soon enough.

If you have been reading this blog, you know Ali-Cat’s medical issues I was dealing with last April. I was convinced at 17, she was dying.  It was a rough few months for me finically, and emotionally. Ali has been my constant companion for the last 17 years the thought of her dying was very hard on me, even though I have been preparing for her death since she was 10.

Last May, Ali was so sick she was lying on the bathroom floor, bleeding. I was convinced this is it. Whitney and I walked in the AIDS Walk that morning; Ali was all I could think about. We joked she would be fine, and we would be talking about it her survival at the next AIDS Walk. That seems to be the case, even though clearly I won’t be in NY for the walk this year, sorry Whitney!

Here we are 9 months later, and I am very happy to report Ali is doing amazing, and is stronger than ever!!! I was terrified bringing here to Los Angeles, didn’t think she would survive the flight, the stress of the move, but I don’t think I have ever seen her happier. Our amazing Melrose Place apartment is so big she has plenty of space to run around. She is constantly jumping on counters, playing with things and acting like a kitten. She always wants to be close and cuddle with me. Ali really makes looking for a job that much better!

While I know Ali still has kidney disease, I give her medicine every other day; she is as healthy and vibrant as anything. I am so thankful for her recovery.

It’s hard to believe I have been back in LA for almost 2 months after my trip to NY. Time seems to fly faster and faster these days. I have been lacking motivation to write lately so I am somewhat behind here.   The last 6 weeks has been great. The trip to NY improved greatly. I sold some things from my apartment, of course not as much as I had hoped, but isn’t that always the case?

On December 31^st of 2009, I handed in my keys to my Upper East Side studio, and rolled my suitcase to my friend Colleen’s apartment where I was staying New Year’s Eve night. Cleaning the apartment alone was surreal. I could not believe 4 months had past, and I was officially giving up my home of the past 3 years. I was ready to move on from New York, and be completely in Los Angeles. It was sad when I closed the apartment door for the last time. I felt as though it was my series finale, which is always a little sad. I have had some great memories in that apartment. I will always cherish my time in New York, but I have moved on.  Life in California is what I have always hoped. It was time to be officially a resident of Los Angeles.

 

By the end of my two week trip to New York/New Jersey I was ready to return to the home I created for myself in CA, ready to get back to my friends, my cat, my new boyfriend, and my job search. I took two weeks off the search for my trip, and now it was time to hit the pavement hard. My goal was to have a job by the end of the first quarter. Now, we are almost to the end of February I am not as confident that will happen. The job market is very tight right now.  From what I have been seeing more jobs available then there was the end of 2009, but I think it takes time to get through the resumes, and contact candidates. I had a phone interview this week for a position that didn’t match my background well. The position may not have been a good fit for my background, but feel the phone interview is a positive step toward more companies noticing my resume! Hopefully I will be getting plenty more calls for opportunities that fit my background. I am ready to get back to the grind, the rat race, the hustle and bustle, more important I am ready to be a human with spending MONEY!!!! I am so ready to not be poor. Please bring on the paying jobs, bring on the pay checks! I am ready to live again!

1) You get excited for the BoGo sale at Payless.

2) You hit the clearance rack at Target, and think 30% off is not enough to afford the $10 shirt you have been eyeing.

3) You go to Ralph’s everyday of the week to stock up on Navel oranges when they are on sale for $.33 a pound. Who knows when that will happen again?

4) You go to the gym everyday to make sure you get your $34 worth.

5) You keep going back to the 50% off Valentine’s candy. Can you really afford $2 for chocolate?

6) You do your best not to turn on the lights in your apartment. Flashlights are fine.

7) You get excited when you find coupons on the floor for items you don’t even use. You might one day.

8) You bring your luggage size purse everywhere you go in hopes of scoring free bread.

9) $7.99 all you can eat specials feed you for the entire week.

10) You have thought of selling your eggs or sperm to pay your bills.

11) You buy all your clothes, home goods, food, cleaning products from the $.99 Store.

12) You have thought twice about getting food from the local food pantry.

13) Your WiFi is free from an unsecured router, and you have thought about asking your neighbor to the split cable.

14) You go to the Farmer's Market just to fill up on the samples.

15) $0.25 for the Dash Bus seems so high! How can they charge $0.25 one way? Is the city mad?