I am lost. I have been unemployed since October 2008. I used to work in marketing for various magazines in New York.  I never was sure I ever liked marketing, business or working in an office. Growing up I always thought I would be some sort of journalist. I never thought I would work in an office doing the 9 to 5 thing. I never really thought I could sit still long enough to work in a cubicle for 8 hours. Somehow, that is exactly what happened. I somehow became everything I always thought I would never be.

When I graduated from Hofstra University, I didn’t have much of a choice. My parents were cutting me off in July and I needed a real job.  I wasn’t given a lot of time to figure things out. I send out a few broadcasting reels to very small markets in the south, but for obvious reasons I heard nothing. I quickly realized my big plan to be a journalist was not going to be as easy as I thought it would be.

July 1, 2001 I started working at Barnes & Noble Publishing in the coffee table division called Metrobooks. On July 1st 2001 my dream of being a journalist began to slip through my fingers. The older I got the faster it slipped through my fingers. Nearly 9 years later, my dream of journalism is all gone. I don’t know how I was ever so naïve to think I would become a broadcast journalist. I really was living in a dream world. If I only could tell the 18 year old Pamela what I know now, life would be so different. First I would tell myself you will never be able to pay off those student loans. I would tell myself figure out a real occupation you love. Broadcasting is a far dream. You may make it, but you won’t most likely. Last, if you still decide to go to an insanely expensive school, make the most of your education. Get everything out of it you can. You are going to be paying for it for years to come, literally. Sadly I don’t have the opportunity to go back to give the 18 year old Pamela the truth of the real world. I need to deal with the consequences of the choices I have made from 18 to present day.

I am so lost as to what I should be doing with my life. I am not sure if marketing is where I should be. I don’t know what I should be doing with my life. I have so many different ideas of what I should do, but will any of it work? Will I just be one of those undeceive people who roam from job to job trying to figure out their lives? I really hope not. I used to have such drive, and passion for what I did. That died awhile ago. Will I become my loser father? Dear God, my only hope for myself is I become something more than my father, which is not going to be hard. (I say now.) I know I am in a cross roads with my career. Am I going to continue with marketing or venture to something new?

I have always wanted to move to Los Angeles. I am here now, but am wondering if I was just trying to get away from the life I had in New York. Was I merely running away from my reality?  Running away from dealing with my parents, my friends, my life? I have always wanted to move to Los Angeles so I don’t think I was running away 100%. I do think it was great timing to move since still have unemployment, but moving at 30. I am wondering if moving at 30 cross country was the brightest idea. I was somewhat established in New York, had best friends since grade school, was comfortable in my environment, and only lived 2 hours from where I grew up. Why leave? Yes, to pursue my dream, but I am in LA now, and still am so lost. 

I am not going back to New York any time soon, if ever. I am happy here. I just need to figure out what the heck I am doing with my life. I need to get back to work, the sooner the better!  I need to start saving again, work on rebuilding my 401K, and my travel fund. I need to establish myself in Los Angeles in whatever industry I end up in. I need to create goals for myself and stick to them.

I really hope things start coming together, and I get out of this rut I have been in for over a year. I need some positiveness my way, and I need it yesterday!