DailyFreakOut

I have lived in Los Angeles 3 years today. It seems like only two years, the last year literally flew. I feel like it was the fastest year I ever have lived through. Hard to believe the year has passed.

Last year’s anniversary of my move blog post I reflected on everything that had happened since I moved, I don’t feel the need to do that this year. While a lot of things have changed, many still stay the same.  I have a newer BMW. I have another kitten. I have moved to Culver City. I am jobless again. But most importantly, I am engaged to marry my love in less than 3 months!

Three years is such long time. I have made such wonderful friends here, two of which are in my wedding party, but at a small cost. I am not as close to some friends back east.  I can’t see them all the time, and when I am home I have to decide who I want to see, who I have time to see, and who will have to wait until next trip. Some friends where never really good friends since I have not seen them since I moved. Friendships are bound to change with distance but still it’s hard to deal with at times. A friend I have had since I was around 21, is getting married. I have known her for over 10 years, we used to be inseparable.  She would stay over my mom’s all the time, many times my mom didn’t know she was there and called her the phantom. Her wedding is in Sept. Just 4 weeks before mine, and I am saddened that we are not able to attend her wedding. It breaks my heart that I won’t be able to be home for such an important moment in her life. I know moving away was my decision, it was my choice to move, and follow my dreams, but still saddens me when I miss important things.

As time goes on, NJ/NY seems further away, I am still over joyed, and thankful I finally had the guts to make the move I have dreamed about my entire life. There are so many times I think how my life would be if I never moved. I would still be living in the Upper East Side by myself, serial dating, working (most likely), living pretty much the same life I had been living. I know that life was not meant to continue through my 30’s.

Each year I live here seems to get easier as I become more settled. The first year was the hardest thing I could ever thought I would live through. I was so lonely, homesick, but determined to make it in LA at least a year. The second year was so much easier. I found wonderful friends, my future husband, and finally know my way around (somewhat).

Can’t wait to see where year 4 leads! I know amazing things are around the corner especially since I am getting married to my best friend in just 73 days!  

 

It’s about 1.5 hours until we land in Newark Airport, and I started reading blog posts from 2006 and 2007. I am not sure where or if I published these. If I did it was on something like Myspace. I never had an official l blog until this blog, which is funny because I have been writing my entire life. Maybe that is my problem right there, I lack real motivation. I thought I would have had a novel published by 30.  I have written many many character sketches, many plotlines, written a few pages and then nothing. Why can’t I get past that? I have sat down many times to create the characters, why don’t I have the further push to get me writing. I used to write short stories all the time: pencil, yellow pad, long hand, bad hand writing . . . but I did it.

What happened to my real motivation? I have great ideas. I am creative. How have I let so many of my passions: writing and photography slip away?  I have always lacked that final push to get passed the setup and begin the real process, but why? Now I think I am not as motivated because of the job search. If you read this blog, you know how frustrated I am. The longer I am out of work, the more I am doubting my ability to write. I never thought I was the best writer but I had more confidence than I have now. So much so, I have been thinking about changing careers, to something completely out of marketing and writing. I have no idea to what. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I need to find my passions again, get back to writing longer things than a blog post, and get back to photography. I have always loved taking pictures, capturing a moment in time that won’t happen again.  When I lived in NY and was jobless, I would spend the day with my Nikon D40 walking around Manhattan going to Central Park, Top of the Rock, everywhere you can think of.  Even though I was depressed and unmotivated from my job search taking pictures always made me happy. (some of the pictures are in this post) I have not been shooting like that in at least two years. I went shooting a lot when I first moved to LA, but slowly outgrew my neighborhood, took pictures where ever I could think of and could bored of it. I didn’t have a car yet, and was not able to travel out of West Hollywood easily. Now that I have a car it’s not something I think about, but why? How can something I was so passionate be such an afterthought now?

When I got my first laptop, I thought this is what I needed to be a novelist. This is what was holding me back. I had a desk top before. Clearly it was too confined. I thought I needed a laptop to go to coffee shops and write. Really? The desk top was not good enough for me? Now I am on my 4^th laptop, and have yet to start that novel. There goes the theory of being free to be able write longer stuff. 

I just don’t get it. How are some people extremely motivated? They can write all the time, and have full time jobs, or be full time writers, and I can’t seem to get motivated enough to blog once a week or to even write more than a page. I just do not get it.

How do you stay motivated? Tips on how to help me get motivated? Thanks in advance!

 

I remember when my feelings about getting married started to change. I was careful what I said to people, especially my mom. I didn’t want to hear, “oh I thought you were not getting married.”  I mean come on! Don’t we all say and do stupid things that we don’t mean when we are young! 

Up until my mid-twenties I was hiding the fact that I wanted to get married, slowly I would say when I get married. Never really thinking the day would come, never thinking I would find my person, watched nearly all my childhood/college friends get married and I didn’t have a boyfriend longer than two months. Time was ticking, late twenties approached, and I was ready to find him! I found him when I was meant to.

In just 93 days I will be marrying my best friend, and starting the next chapter of our lives together. With my bachelorette party this weekend the end of our engagement time is approaching, and the time to celebrate (I won’t be an old maid) is finally here!  I am the bride!  Get those dance shoes on, and get some champagne! It’s time to celebrate! 

Zoe had been lonely when we left her during the day which lead us to think we needed to get her a friend. After weeks and weeks of debating, and asking our friends with cats how do you go about transiting this, we decided to go for it. One day after brunch, headed to the West LA Animal Shetlter, where we saw a cage up front that is exactly where we got Zoe. Penelope was in a foster home, the same one who housed Zoe. It seemed like a perfect fit.

Penelope was adopted at 10 weeks, just over a pound, the tiniest thing I had ever seen.  I am happy to say, one week with us and she isn’t underweight anymore! She is really happy and adjusting well.

Zoe has been a great big sister teaching her how to clean herself. It’s so cute to see these two interact. We could not be happier with her!

Best part is Zoe isn’t as sad and lonely when we leave her anymore. 

 

I was doing really well emotionally, mainly because I thought one of my very positive leads would have panned out by now. After all the interviews I have been on, I am still at square one, and more frustrated, and depressed then I could have thought possible. I am 4 months into my 3^rd unemployment stint. I can’t believe it’s been 4 months already. I don’t know where the time went. I try to stay motivated, on track with all my “projects,” do my best to stay positive, but I feel like I am losing control 

 This week I was rejected from yet another position. They went with an internal candidate. I had only gone on one interview, so it’s surprising to me I am so upset about it.  I was doing ok after finding out and then yesterday was hard. I was so depressed. Why can’t I land a job? I feel this awful sense of you suck all the time, and it’s the worse feeling. I remember when rejection didn’t get to me so much, when it was just another interview, but now every interview is a huge let down, a huge emotional roller coaster.

I am so incredibly frustrated, not sure where to go to change how I am feeling, how to change my situation, how to land a job! I am so tired of talking about how I can’t find work, how I can’t land a job, how I am still out of work.  I am so tired of looking for a job. I am so incredibly tired of staying home, and not having a structured day ahead of me .I am so tired of waking up and having to figure out what to do with my day to keep me from going insane. I am so tired of people trying to give me ideas. How about another career? Do you have any ideas on what I should go into? NO? I didn’t think so, so then you are no help at all! You are just making me more frustrated.

In 2008 I first lost my job many people lost their jobs then and have been able to keep on track. I keep getting fired. I can’t seem to land a job in a company that is finically stable.  When are things going to turn around for me? How come some people have cruised through this recession without being harmed, and then there are people like me who cannot get back on track. Why?!  

In recent weeks I have been thinking about the effects of me now working all this time, and it sucks. I am so far behind in my savings, in my 401K, in paying off my college loans, etc. I feel like I will never catch up, and it’s scary. I thought I would have been successful, and now I hope I can get another job that is not at the local coffee shop, which is not the worst thing, and would get me by but it’s not a career move.  I am dying to get my “career” on track again.  I am wondering if that will ever happen.  I am have always joked about being a stay at home mom, and now I am freaking out wondering if that is my only option. Argh. We can’t afford that, and I will lose my mind.

I don’t know where to go from here. I apply to jobs all day long, I get interviews, then nothing and the frustration continues. I am getting to my wits end, with no end in sight. Screaming feels like the best solution, but my neighbors will call the manager. Life is hard for me now. (except for planning my wedding and my life w/my fiancé, that is wonderful) Argh!

In March I was laid off again, and this time I was extremely positive about it. I never liked the job I was working at and had been interviewing pretty steadily. I wasn't worried at all. Honestly figured it was for the best and I would have a new job within a month. I had just gone on 2 interviews that had gone really well, and thought at least one would come through. I was so positive, and thought there is no way I can be going through this again for a 3^rd time and recently engaged.

One of the companies lead me to believe I was a top candidate for the social media strategist role, emailed me on Friday to tell me I was still in the running, a top contender, and “to be candid they really liked my chat.” Of course the “to be candid they really liked my chat” really annoyed me but I was willing to let that go if they hired me. I can be good spirited. Monday morning I receive a call from the person I would be reporting to.  I was about to go into an interview so waited to return her call. She called to tell me, while they really like me, they don’t think this is a good fit. I didn’t ask questions, just got off the phone which I regret. WTF! How can they go from “to be candid they really liked my chat” to I am not a good fit. Come the Fuck ON! I was still trying to remain positive; there was still another job I was waiting to hear from. But part of me what like here we go again and completely disgusted. 

Since then I have contacted a company that I had a positive interview with prior to the job who recently let me go. One of the companies loved me when we first met almost a year ago, (loved me so much but didn't hire me the first time, explain that?!) wanted me to come in for a potential opportunity. It took a lot for me to contact them, almost feeling like I was begging. I met with the director who said he would love for me to come on board but they are waiting for funding which could take 60-90 days. We met back in April, it is now June. I have been in steady contact with him, and had been getting pretty positive emails until today when he emailed they have not made the progress they had hoped for on the project. There is no timing in sight for when they will have funding, but they still are very interested in me working for them. Seriously! How long am I supposed to wait for their funding to come through? Even then it could be a lower salary then I expect. All I can really say is WTF!

I had been keeping that “offer” in the back of my pocket but pursuing my job search. So since I have been laid-off I have had more phone interviews than I can count, a few video interviews (which I now refuse to do as they are the biggest waste of time), many many many first interviews and more 2^nd interviews than I have ever been on. So you would THINK I would have landed a job by now, 3 months into my job search. Well you are wrong. The last viable lead I had which I had gone on two, over an hour interviews, asked for a ton of writing samples had decided to go with someone else who had more blogging and social media experience.  I have been blogging since 2009, and been on twitter since it began but not enough social media. So what gives? This process also began in April. From the start with this company I thought this is the job I am going to get, fits my background perfectly, I got along great with the director, and it was something I was passionate about. During these 2 months since my first interview with them I have been in steady contact with recruiter and director which made me think even more so I was going to get this job.  I started to question being offered this position last week when after my second 1.5 hour interview the director made a point to tell me “slow to hire, quick to fire.” That left a really bad taste in my mouth, almost made me felt like I was being set up for failure. Then to get the call today, they went with another candidate.

I am back to square one, 3 months into my job search. I was clearly too positive for my own good when I thought I would only be out of work for a month. Delusional much? I already feel like I have been through the ringer. I can’t seem to get a company who will give me a legit shot. Between the 3 unemployment stints, I feel defeated, drained, at a loss, and not sure where to go from here. I know I am good at what I do, but this has made me truly question my skills. If I was so good how come I can’t seem to land a job? I keep hearing I am being too hard on myself, but am I? I am starting to think I should look into another field all together but what? How do you figure that out?

So as they say, everything happens for a reason, but what is the reason for all of this? Why can’t I seem to land a job?! I want to be able to contribute. I want to be able to feel like a member of society again. I feel like a failure. I feel like I am letting everyone around me down, and I hate this. I feel like I am loosing myself. I used to be so passionate and motivated, almost all of that is gone.

I don’t know where to go from here. Any suggestions? Any advice? Any leads on jobs? Insider tips on landing a job? I would love any help you can offer. 

 
It’s funny to look back at my blog and realize all the things that have happened to me that I have not blogged about. When I started this blog, I was writing about all my struggles with my journey. It blows my mind that I have moved here nearly 3 years ago. It blows my mind that I ever had the guts to do this.  I can’t believe it. I was so brave.

In the 9 months since my last post so many wonderful and not so wonderful things happened to me. The most wonderful thing I would ever imagine, ever have hoped for, my boyfriend Alex proposed while we were in New York for Thanksgiving. I am/was thrilled! I had hoped he would propose in NY, so I could share the news with my friends and family.  Alex proposing made me the happiest women in the world. I never thought I would fall in love so deeply for someone, never thought I would be so happy, never thought I would find my person.  Honestly never thought I would ever find a man who can deal with me all the time. J I am so thankful I found him! Meeting Alex has really helped put everything in perspective for me. It’s clear what was pushing me out to Los Angeles. I was meant to meet Alex, and lord knows he wasn’t moving out east to meet me.

Right before we got engaged I moved into his apartment, left Hollywood, and my second apartment after the roach infested crap apartment. While I was ready to move out of Hollywood for so many reasons, it was an emotional move for me. Now Alex and I are living together, and planning our wedding.

As they say everything happens for a reason. I can see that more now that more than ever before! 

 

One year ago, this week, my beloved Ali-Cat was put to sleep. It is impossible to believe it has been one year. One year seems so long, and yet it feels like yesterday. I still miss Ali very much. I think about her often. Seeing pictures of her, feels strange. Her passing, still feels so raw. I read my blog post about that awful day this morning, remembering, and reflecting with tears running down my face. I am still very emotional about her passing. 

It's amazing how much an animal becomes apart of the family. I could never imagine my world without Ali, and now one year later, It is weird. I have (without) a choice excepted her death, and have done my best to move on. I had not realized how much I was hurting until I got Zoe Madison. Zoe Madison has filled a void that had been filled with sadness after Ali passed away after 18 years in my life.

I wish Zoe was able to meet Ali. Even though Ali hated all living things but my mother and I, I am pretty sure they would have gotten along. (I find it hard to believe anything could not like Zoe.) Selfishly I wish Ali with me, even though now I know she isn't suffering anymore. I am very thankful for the 18 years I had with her. Life has gone on, but she will always be apart of me, my life and my experiences. I am thankful for that.

I look forward to the next 18 years with Zoe Madison.