DailyFreakOut

After a recent, fabulous trip to the Hamptons I have decided to change the date for the move. I had wanted to move July 1^st, so I would have more time to get settled in my new life before my unemployment ran out. I have always loved the NYC summers. Leaving at the start of the summer was not an easy decision for me!

At the end of the fabulous Memorial Day weekend, I felt anxiety about the move. I didn’t want to miss summer. Missing it made me sick to my stomach. I am not an anxious person, and rarely feel the way I did Monday. I knew I needed to make a change in my plans. Plus I still don't have the go ahead from the vet for Ali to fly. (Ali is going back to the vet tomorrow morning for a follow up. Hopefully I will know more information then.)

I have the best time in the summer. I could not think of a better way to leave New York City with a bang! I have not settled on a new move date, but it will be anywhere between 8/1 and 9/1. I will be in LA before Labor Day Weekend (I think).

This move is happening, just a little later then I planned!!!

As much as I keep saving I am moving soon it really doesn’t feel real.

May is flying. Before I know it, it will be June and soon after July. I have always wanted to make this move but now that is it just 6 weeks away it’s shocking. I almost feel like I am lying to everyone and myself every time I say I am moving. I AM MOVING!

I am sure it is because I still have not booked my flight, found a place to live, got a car or a job. So it feels like one big lie right now. Hopefully tomorrow I will know if I can fly with Ali, and finally book my flight! I am hopeful a place to live will come soon after.

I have started to go through my stuff and throw things way. I can’t wait for something to be booked already. I think I will finally feel like this move is happening and not one huge lie.

This past Thursday I took Ali to the vet to make sure everything was ok for her to fly before I booked my flight. After the visit Ali seemed melancholy. I could tell she was not very happy with me. I am sure it was a complete shock for her since she had not been in 9 years. I am sure she blanked it out since it was such a horror scene. Plus, how much does cat really remember?

I went out for a friend’s birthday on Friday, came home around 4am to find blood on a shoe box Ali had been sitting on. Ali doesn’t like sitting on the floor, so I am sure she had been sitting there for hours. I freaked out! I thought this is the beginning of the end. I started to wonder why I took her to vet, and began all this. She was fine before! I was convinced she was going to die.

I called the vet, but of course they were not in. I left a message asking if the anal bleeding was a side effect of anything they did to her at the exam. I left her in the bathroom, and went to bed.

The next day I let her out. I stupidly didn’t leave her any water in the bathroom. She drank a lot of water, and she threw it up 3 times in a row. Then she sat on a piece of paper and her rear was still bleeding. I was numb! What was going on?

I called the vet again. The receptionist told me I can go the emergency pet care which happened to be only 2 blocks from my apt. I knew the emergency care would be insanely expensive so I didn’t want to do that. I am jobless still, and need to be realistic. She is 17, and has had an amazing life. I can’t create a miracle. The receptionist said the vet would call me back around 1. I should wait until I speak to vet before I decide to take her.

The vet called me and was very concerned about the bleeding. She looked at her test results. As the vet, feared Ali has kidney disease. The vet didn’t feel comfortable reassuring me that Ali will be ok. She said she didn’t want to give me a false sense. I completely understood what she was saying, especially since this was over the phone. I told the vet I really don’t have money to take her to emergency care. She told me the emergency care will be very expensive. I was bartending an event Saturday night. I decided to go to work, and see how Ali was when I got home.

The entire event I was completely freaking out! I could not wait to get home, and check on her. Of course the event was 2 hours longer then planned. I thought I was going to start crying in the cab. I ran up my stairs. I could not get up to her fast enough. Ali seemed much better. She was walking around. I cleaned her up, and put paper towels on the floor. This way I could be able to see if she was still bleeding or not. I left her with food and water and went to sleep. At 7am when I woke up, I could not check on her fast enough! There was no new blood! My Ali will live another day! What a sigh of relief?!

Ali goes back to the vet on Tuesday. I am looking forward to see what the vet will say! Hopefully I will know if I can fly with her then! Fingers crossed.

Yesterday was a draining day. I took Ali (my cat) to the vet. She had not been to the vet in 11 years since she was declawed. She just turned 17. I was terrified to take her to the vet for a few reasons.  I was concerned I would be told I can’t fly with her, and the vet might find something wrong with her. While I know she is not a young kitty anymore, it’s still hard to think of her dying. She has been by my side for most of my life. She has always been such a great companion especially in my jobless days.

Last time Ali went to the vet it was a horror scene. She was screaming, running around, acting like a wild animal. The vet had to catch her with a net, and sedate her. The vet asked me if she is always like this. How embarrassing?! Why would I keep a mean cat? I hoped this visit would not be so dramatic. She is older and much calmer then she used to be. I hoped she would not have to sedate. My mom told me I was dreaming. Ali doesn’t like other people and she gets scared.

At first Ali did really well. She was calm, and let the nurse take her temperature and weight her. Her weight was 7 pounds down from 10, which concerned me. I was so thankful she was calm. Of course this didn’t last long. By the time the vet came into the room Ali knew what was going on, and was not having any of it. She was hissing, and hitting the vet. She is harmless since she is declawed, but I guess she can bite (even though she never has before). The vet said they would have to sedate her to give her a full exam which I was not to happy about since she is so old. A few minutes later the nurse took Ali away, and told me to come back by 2pm. I went home since it was only 10:30. By the time I got home, ate lunch the vet called. The exam was over. Ali was fine. She didn’t need to be sedated! I could pick her up.

I found out Ali’s urine was diluted. It could be the start of kidney disease. The vet told me that cats are living longer and longer these days. They are out living their kidneys. This could explain so much. Lately she has been crying a lot but I thought it was her being a princess. She has been from time to time, thanks to my mom! The vet said kidney disease could be maintained through diet if it was caught early. I am hoping this is the case.

As of now, I don’t know if I can fly yet with her. I will know more soon when the results of her tests return, hopefully today or tomorrow. Then there is nothing holding me back to book that flight!

I was at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden today when I thought what am I doing! How could I move cross country, leave everything I have ever known, my friends, my family! My life will be completely different. I am going to have to make all new friends in a city I barely know. Am I making the right decision? I know I have always wanted to do this, but does it mean its right.

I calmed myself down reminding myself I can always come home again. I need to try this, and see what happens. I will be honest the closer July 1^st comes, the more freaked out I am getting! I can not believe I have only 6 weeks left until my dream becomes a reality!

Next Steps:

1)      Ali-Cat’s vet visit this Thursday

2)      Book flight (Whoa!)

3)      Find a sublet

4)      Make appointments for temp agencies

5)      Continue to freak out!

This past weekend I went home to New Jersey to spend the weekend with my mom against her will. It was mother’s day! How could I not have gone home to spend time with her?

My mom and I had not spoke since the emails regarding the LA move, expect for short one word emails. I was a little concerned with being home for an entire weekend with her. My mom is not one to hold back her feelings about anything, especially her disdain for something I am doing. I really didn’t want a weekend of screaming!

I told my mom she didn’t need to pick me up at the bus. I could walk home. It was supposed to rain so she insisted she would pick me up. I agreed. I was not about to walk home in the rain. I got off the bus. My mom was waiting for me, it was like nothing had happened. I knew the tides were turning. The normal mom questions followed: How was the ride? Did you eat? I held back a little, was she kidding me?!

When my mom is attempting to get back on my good side we go shopping, and shopping we did. After getting our nails done for Mother’s Day we headed straight to the mall. We spent a delightful day of trying on clothes, and shoes. We ended the day with dinner at Salt Creek Grill in Rumson. The next day was Mother’s Day and we spent in Allentown, PA doing more shopping.

I was completely avoiding bringing up LA, and moving. I didn’t want to deal with it face to face. Soon after getting home, she asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said I don’t know. She answered herself, and said well you don’t know what you need yet. I soon realized talking about LA was fine. We talked about it here and there with no stress, or anxiety, just acceptance.

At some point, I was talking to my mom about getting a car and insurance in LA. She said I will make a call for you about the insurance. (My mom is in insurance and has many contacts.) I could not believe that she would be willing to help me when she kept insisting this was my INDEPENDENT journey and must do it solo. I hoped she would turn around, and she did! The tide has turned for the good. There is acceptance, finally.

By the end of the weekend I was joking around with my mom about the space in the closets in my room. I said my clothes will fit here, and what about the hall closet. All you have is 2 coats in there. I can’t put my winter coats in there. She responded laughing, and said, you know I don’t like cutter. I said since when is clutter 5 coats! She laughed, and now I am able to bring my some clothes home! Victory!!!

Now onto the next mission . . . the cat!

My father and I have an unusual relationship. He thinks we get along famously, and I beg to differ. I do my best to avoid the situation but now that I am moving I need to see/speak him more often.

We spoke last night. I thought it would be a quick conversation. I should know by now nothing with my father is ever quick. We were on the phone for nearly an hour. I tried about 5 times to get off the phone with him. He always has something else to say.

He asked me something about my mom. I said I don’t know I have not spoke to her in a week since I told her the plan for LA. He was in shock, and said I thought you were getting along better. Well we get along amazingly when I do exactly what she wants me to do.  I am not about to let my dream go because she wants me to stay in NY to be closer to her. While I understand her side I can not in good conscious stay here for her.

My father reminded me how much I have always wanted to move to LA. He told me I started to talk about moving to LA as soon as I was able to speak. I used to say I was going to move out to West Hollywood, and move in with my Bubie (grandma) which was right next door to my aunt. After Bubie passed away I said I would live with my Aunt Gussie. As he said that to me I remembered how much I used to talk about my future to move LA. I always wanted to be closer to my grandmother, and my aunt.

He told me I need to pursue this dream so I don’t have any regrets. While he insists he won’t see me anymore when I move (not that he seems me much here), he still thinks it’s a great opportunity for me. My father went on to say that my true happiness could be in LA. How could I stay here, and hope my life will fall into place when I have been dreaming about this move my entire life? He is right! That is exactly what I have been saying. Talking to him made me realize I need to do this move despite how my mom is making me feel.

A time like this makes me realize how supportive my father is of me and anything I do. The more my mom acts crazy, the more she pushes me away and into the “arms” of my father, which I know she hates.

While we don’t always get along, I can always count on him for support, which is really nice especially in times like this.

Email 1: (I initially asked her to come with me to LA in June to set things up. Since then I changed my mind on going out in June) Right now it is impossible for me to go in June.....I have way too much here to do..that is why I do not take vacation that time of year.

I cannot afford the trip......and this is your INDEPENDENT idea therefore, fly solo.

I really do not have much room in the condo......since I have refurbished it to accommodate my things......I do not like clutter as you know.

(There are empty closets throughout the condo)

My response: That's fine. I didn't expect you to come. You always told me I can come home, so what does it matter if I bring my things home and not me? It won't be cluttered. It won't even be a lot of stuff.

Email 2 Subject: Mother’s Day From my mom to me This has nothing to do with yesterdays emails….and thank you for not calling last night.

I do not want to see you on Mothers Day…….I thought about it the best present is to leave me a day by myself. (She lives alone, everyday she is by herself)

I am supportive of your decision of your move to LA, however, do not expect me to keep your things in my home, or to bail you out.  I want to live a life now that is selfish and do for myself………I have always put you before everything and everyone……now it is my turn to enjoy my life.

You are an ADULT even though you do want to be……make your decisions and be careful not to hurt others along the way, whether it is financially or their feelings.

As I said yesterday "Good Luck"

Mom

My response: Thank you for your support. I will make other arrangements for my winter clothes.

Email 3 Subject Re: Mother’s Day Good I am happy to hear it.......and the support you give me is slim to none.

How does it feel?

Email 4: Same subject line (a few minutes later) Another thing is that your answer is nothing more or less then I expect from you.......I guess you did not really read what I wrote or took the time to digest it and understand what I was saying......this is typical of you being "Self Centered" (Part of her email had to do with her relationship with her boyfriend which I didn’t think was important to include here)

I am amazed at the fact that you think $250 is nothing......this is your Father's attitude......him first and what he wanted and Fuck everyone else.....I have bills to pay....do you see me going on vacation.......I work very hard everyday......exhausted at the end of the day.......and still like a jerk was sympathetic to you and your issues.........I am supportive of your decision of moving to LA or where ever you want.......just do not expect me to be the money bags you think I am.

My response: (I wanted 6 days to respond to calm down, and speak from my heart)

Mom-

You are being ridiculous! Calm down. I didn't go through every line of your email because I felt it was ridiculous. It does not mean I am self centered. Relax. I am not going into your emails line by line. There is no need. I see how you feel, and you have every right to feel any way you do. As am I.

I understand your concern for me, and my future. I need to try this. I need to be able to see what happens. I do not want to stay here, and wake up one day and regret not going. Right now, if I don't go I will regret it. I need to see what happens. I can hate it, and come home in 2 months. Who knows? At least I tried it.

I do feel money is money. I always think money can be made again, but experiences can only happen once. I want to live a life I will not regret.

I am coming home Mother's Day weekend, whether you like it or not! I will be home either Fri or Sat morning. I am making us appointments to get our nails done, and then we will go to dinner. Sunday we will go to breakfast. I will come back to the city Sunday, so you can have Mother's day to yourself, as you requested.

I hope you are able to see my side of this situation. I need to be my own person, and try something that I have been talking about since I was 8. If you do not fully support me, please do not rip me apart; don't share how I am going to fail. I need to do this, and can not bare to hear it’s the wrong. You have your own opinion.

I love you, and that will not change. You have to let me finally be my own person without guilt.

Pamela

Her response: OK

I was terrified to open to her final email. Enough is enough already. I didn’t want to be bullied anymore. My mom has been bulling me to do the things she wants my entire life.

Since this email exchange we have not spoke at all, until today when I was ironing out details for Mother’s Day. I am going this weekend to spend time with her. This should be very interesting. I will be blogging all about it!

I am sure you are all wondering what the details of The Plan are. Here is a summary of The Plan:

Before I move- I will set up interviews with temp agencies, and head hunters for the first week I am out there. Then I hope to find a furnished sublet for a short period of time. That way I can figure things out especially if I want to come back to New York.

Move date- The official move date will be July 1^st. Once I move to LA, I will find a cheap used car. 

My NYC apt- I will be subletting my furnished apartment to my friend who is moving back to NY from Chicago. My new lease will be for renewal this summer. I have until October to decide if I want to keep the apartment or fully move to LA. If I want to stay in LA at the end of Dec, I will come back NY to break up my apartment.

Ali (my cat)- I will bring Ali to the vent in June and find out what is best way to bring her to LA. I hope they say she will be fine to fly if they sedate her.

Stuff- I plan on bringing 2-3 large suitcases, and Ali when I fly out to July 1^st. I will ship anything else I need.

Finally after months of figuring out "The Plan" I knew I had to tell my mom the details especially since the move date is July 1^st. I was dreading this day. I went home for Passover, and decided I would talk to her about "The Plan." As I normally am with my mom, I kept putting off the talk all weekend long. I hate dealing with her guilt trips and her thinking I am not grateful for everything she has ever did for me. I know how great my mom is, but that does not mean I should be able to grow and live my own life.

Finally, I decided on the drive back to New York City I would go over the details. I knew it was risky since I was going to be alone with her in the car, but I needed to have this talk with her.

As luck might have it, the night before the drive to NYC, the hose on the washing machine ripped, water quickly filled the condo. Thankfully, the fire alarm went off. Otherwise we would never have known what was going on since we were in the TV room with the door shut. To make matters worse, my mom had just remodeled the entire condo with gorgeous wood floors. I have never seen her move so fast in my life. It was complete craziness. The floor was ruined, and we were in shock! The next day the entire floor had to be pulled up to prevent mold. Thankfully it is just money, no one was killed. The floor can be replaced.

My mom was in no place to be hearing “The Plan” now.

I think I was a little thankful I didn’t have to go over “The Plan” face to face with her. Now I could email her the details, and not have the pleasure of seeing her face when she is yelling at me “The Plan” will fail! I will fail. Yes, my mom can be so loving, sometimes. (sense the sarcasm) A few days later, I finally emailed her all the details to “The Plan,” only because she asked me about it. I think I would have waited another week or two if I could have! I thought (or hoped) she would have read my email, and be supportive, say something like, “Wow, you have really thought about everything.” I must seriously have thought I was watching a movie. Those words would never come out of my mom’s mouth. Never. Ever.

In email I suggested her coming out to LA to help with the transition. I wanted her to be apart of this journey so she didn’t think I was abandoning her. The thing is for the past 17 years it has been just me and my mom. I don’t have any siblings. We are the only family we have so I know this move is very hard on her. She completely shot down my idea of her coming to help me in LA, saying this is my INDEPENDENT idea and so I must to everything solo. She also refused to store any of my winter clothes in the condo, saying she doesn’t have room for my stuff. Meanwhile, ever since I lost my job she told me I can always come home if I can’t afford my rent. What is the difference between me moving home or my stuff being there? I know there is plenty of space considering there are empty closets.

The emails kept coming more and more childish making me feel like I am a total moron for ever wanting to try something for myself.  I would take my time to respond since I wanted to be the bigger person. She makes this very hard for me. My mom does not deal well with change she has no control over well, and makes me feel horrible for me.