DailyFreakOut

I have been in LA for 550 days, and still DO NOT have a car. In a city where traffic is as known about LA as Mickey is to Disney, I have surprisingly been able to get around with too much fuss for this long. My initial plan was to get a car as soon as I move here, but then decided to wait until I got a job. Getting a job, took me 10 months, within the 10 months I have really figured out Los Angeles’ MTA. I was able to get around for most part with a bus, walking or if had no choice I would take a cab.

My first job was in walking distance to my apartment so again put off getting a car. My second job was a little further away and thought I needed a car right away. Good friends convinced me otherwise, so I took the bus to work. It worked out fine, of course took a much longer then it would have if I was able to drive but it was doable. Luckily, soon after I started at my job, a very nice coworker, Greg, offered to give me a ride home that soon became every day. Then I only took the bus in the morning. The ride home really helped my sanity, plus always was a great time to catch up with Greg about our day.  

In the meantime, I started dating my boyfriend Alex, who lives in Culver City which is about 20 minutes from where I live in West Hollywood, but in the LA traffic could be an hour. Alex has been very patient and understanding with my lack of a car and will drive to see me daily or come out of his way to get me so we can go out together. I know me not having a car is taking a toll on him. I feel bad he has to be in traffic, look for parking nightly to see me.

Things were going so well, then about a month ago, Greg left CheckAlt, no more rides home for me. I am now back to taking the bus home daily.  I have slowly begun to lose my mind. It takes me hour to get to the gym from work, with a car should take 20 minutes if that.

In the 550 days I have lived in LA, I have walked nearly everywhere you can think of and I am getting so tired of it. I am getting tired of walking to get groceries, drop my cleaners off, and meet friends. I am too the point where if it’s cold I won’t go. I am so over walking. I am over not being independent. I cannot wait to be able to get in a car, go where I want freely. I want to be able to go to the gym, get groceries, drop clothes off at the cleaners, and then even have time to see a friend for dinner. I want my freedom. I NEED my freedom.

The search for a car officially has begun. I cannot wait to report I have FREEDOM once again—hopefully sooner than later.  

Pictures from the fabulous & funny Cindee Weiss

I am beyond thankful I am in sunny Los Angeles today.

Back home, in NJ/NY they are experiencing an insane blizzard. The holiday blizzard is expected to bring the northeast between 14-18 inches. From my understanding the snow has been falling steadily all day, with it expected to come down even heavier this evening.

From what I have seen on Facebook, it looks insane. I remember those snowstorms. The snowstorms where you love the way they look when you are inside but dread the thought of ever going outside. The first snowstorm of the season is always magical.  The first snow fall, you can’t wait to feel it on your face, walk in it, and embrace the winter smell. Then quickly the beautiful white snow turns into brown, yellow slushy grossness.  After the first snowstorm, for me, it was enough to bring on spring. I would have done anything to fast forward the next four months (which always felt like 10 months) to get to spring as fast as possible.

I was so sad I was not coming home for Christmas this year. I was sad I was missing traditions I had with my family. Christmas is not even my holiday and I was so bummed. I was not going to go to the movies with my mom, see my friends and watch their kids open presents from Santa. But now, I am so happy, I didn’t go! These are the times I am so happy I moved to Los Angeles.  

While I had been dreading Christmas 2500 miles away from home, today was not bad at all. 

I have not been sleeping well for months. I have way too much on my mind, between work, men, and all the changes I have been through the past few months. I can’t seem to not think about things. This of course, is completely affecting my sleep.  I have been so tired lately.  Last night, after a lazy day of sleeping, and cleaning, I went to bed early, slept through the night! I woke up, refreshed and ready t o enjoy Christmas. I made myself whole wheat pancakes, and ginger bread coffee. This day was off to an amazing start.  After enjoying my delightful pancakes, I did my laundry. Since its Christmas I figured no one else would be doing their laundry, and I was right.

The rest of the day was the normal Jewish Christmas movie – How do you know? (Which I would NOT recommend to anyone) at the Grove.  The Grove was packed with people taking in Christmas decorations, music, and amazing Los Angeles weather. The walk home was amazing, beautiful weather, walking to my iPad, could not have been better way to travel today.

Just ordered Chinese from 88 Chinese from Eat24hours.com, food arrived within an hour, and was amazing. Food delivery in LA! I was not sure if such amazingness existed. This site will either be the best or worst thing I have ever discovered in LA.

Who knows where the rest of this night will end, hopefully with drinks with friends.

I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas no matter what you did.

This time last year I was visiting NJ for the first time since I moved. It was a trip filled with my both amazingness, and terminal. My mom was still dealing with my move, and was still not happy about it.  She was thrilled I was home, but the start of my trip didn’t stay blissful. There were fights, many fights. I finally stood up for myself. I told my mom how I felt, told her I was staying in LA. It was not a pleasant place to be well at least the first half of my trip. Slowly, as the trip progressed things got much better. I think my mom started to realize how valuable my time was home. Thankfully, because little did she know I would not be back east for nearly a year, so it was a good thing the trip turned around.

This holiday season I wanted to be home with my family for Thanksgiving. I thought it was more important to be home for a holiday I celebrated then Christmas. My mom and I have our own Christmas traditions. We got to the movies and get Chinese food. Yes, it is the tradition of nearly every Jew, but we did it together. I love doing this together, but didn’t think it was enough of a reason for me to come home for Christmas. Christmas which is one of the most expensive times of year to fly, didn’t make much sense to me.

Now, we are 4 days away from Christmas I am dreading this decision. Honestly, the entire month I have dreaded this decision. I have realized how much I miss NY in the holidays and being home with my family. I miss Rockefeller Center. The windows. I miss how amazing NY is decorated. I miss everything. The holidays in LA are so lame, boring, non-existent. There are barely any decorations. I, the Jew, who was never into Christmas, am missing it terribly.  I thought or hoped being home for Thanksgiving and seeing the (almost done decorations) would have been enough for me, but clearly I was wrong. I MISS NY CHRISTMAS!

My head can’t seem to get around being in the warmer temperatures for winter. I feel weird.  It’s December, and last week it was in the 80s! I was beside myself, my head is so confused, my body loves it,  but my head is so confused. It’s December and 80! What the heck! I do without a doubt love love love the weather here, but my head is so confused. Every morning, I wake up thinking, what do I wear in December when it’s 70-80 degrees! It’s the most bizarre feeling I have ever experienced.  I hope as I live here, and get more used to my new life, my head catches up to the weather my body has loved!

As I spend my first Christmas in my new city, I wish everyone a Merry Christmas! Hope it’s filled with all the traditions you grew up loving. 

After not being home for nearly a year, I could not wait to go back home for Thanksgiving. This trip was much anticipated. I needed time out from LA and be with my family. I was home for an amazing 10 days, saw all my close friends, a good portion of my family, meet all the new babies, and spent a ton of time with my mom. I did my best to make the most of my time. Every day, every minute was valuable. I did my best to treat as such. It was a great trip. I cannot wait to go back in February!

Happy Halloween!  This year I went as Katy Perry, another fabulous Halloween!

I have been having a rough few weeks. I am in the weird place. I don’t have a real support in LA. The only support I have known is gone.  Even Ali has left me. At times, I feel like what am I doing here, and then take a deep breath and think living my dream. I always wanted to live in CA. I never wanted to be that person who only lived in NY/NJ. I am doing it. It’s not easy but I am doing it. I could go home at some point, but I am not ready to do so. I need to remember if I do go home, things won’t be the same. Life has gone on without me. Going home won’t make things better for me.

I emailed Anthony, (stupidly?) to see him, speak, etc. I needed closer. The way things ended was not the best. I think I finally got it. Without getting into too many details here, I will say this Anthony and I had a good time together, rocky at times, but we loved each other.  The relationship ran its course. I knew that before I emailed him but I hoped to see him. I missed him. He emailed me back. It made me remember things. I was mad for a minute, but then felt relief, calm, and then happiness. I knew it was over, and I felt awesome. Of course there were things in that email I don’t agree with but I don’t feel the need to get into it with him, and explain my side of things. I am over this and finally ready to move forward.

I am officially single, on my own in a new city. I am looking forward to the challenges and excitement this new chapter will bring.

I miss Ali. The weekends are hard especially Saturday mornings. Ali and I would snuggle together on the weekends. Every weekend is a reminder she is gone. Overall, I think I am doing much better with her passing but I still have my moments. I would love to get another pet but I am not sure I am ready yet, in time I hope I will be.

I could not be more excited about going back home for Thanksgiving! I have not been home since January 4, 2010. I need to go home, recharge and remember I hate the cold! I am so home sick I also booked a ticket to go home in February. My first year in LA I only went home once. I won’t do that again. My goal is to go back east 4 times a year either for personal or work. I can’t be away from my parents, best friends, and home this long again.

Work is good. It feels awesome to get up and go somewhere daily. I am enjoying learning a new industry, working for a start-up, and traveling.  I network nearly every day and have met some awesome people. Lately I have been told how bubbly I am which I find funny since I have never been bubbly in my life. My personality seems to be changing which is good.

In a nut shell, life is good and getting better every day will keep updating as things progress good or bad. Thanks for reading and keeping up with me!

This weekend has been rough. I have been  sad on and off. I miss Ali more this weekend than I have in awhile. I am even missing my ex-boyfriend. I am trying to find myself again in my new city. I am starting over again.  I am so lonely, and questing coming here. I know, or hope this feeling is temporary.

I need to make an effort to make friends. I need to get out and be social, but all I want to do is sleep and be in my apartment. I need to fight this feeling but it’s so hard.

I am doing my best to stay busy with work. I am going to networking events, lunches, breakfasts, meetings, and traveling. I know for now being busy is best. I have stopped parting in order to feel my feelings. I can’t hind how I am feeling anymore. I have to face it, and deal with things.  I am doing my best to deal with my feelings now. This weekend was challenging since I was not busy at all. I was home, thinking, about how fast things changed, where I would be if things had not changed. I know I am better off. I am happier most days. I need to remember those happy days when I am feeling down.

All I can do is hope tomorrow is easier. I am sure it will be since I will at work, with no time to think about my life. Whoever thought I would be happy to be at work? Certainly not me. 

I woke up today and did something I have not been ready to do. I got up without a second thought packed up Ali’s things. I put her toys, and brush in a shoe box. I put all her food in a bag to return to Target.

I felt I was ready to put things away, and start moving forward.

I was numb returning her food, and teared up after thinking  about the day she passed away. Her things are away, her food is gone, her litter will go to a new home. Life is moving on.

I spoke to my father today, and cried. I had not cried in awhile. I felt as though I was passed the crying but I guess I won’t be passed crying for awhile.

Next step on moving forward. . .picking up her ashes. I am not ready.  I am not ready to go back to the vet where she passed away. I am certainly not ready to go alone, in time.

Moving forward, one day at a time.

It’s been a rough few days. I have not had the strength to write anything about what’s been happening. I finally am able to, or so I hope. I think this writing could help me deal with things.

Two weeks ago, the day I have been dreading for the last 8 years happened. Ali, my baby, my buddy, companion for 18 years passed away.  I have prepared for her passing for the last 8 years of her life, cried many many many times for her, and she was always ok. This time, I knew in my heart her battle was over. A few days before she passed she was very weak, frail, was not moving. I held her head to get water, and she drank very little. She was not moving very much. When she moved she walked like she was drunk. I knew her kidneys were shutting down. I was such a mess. I laied with her, and let her know how much I loved her. I told her she didn’t have to hold on for me. I would be ok, and would love her forever. I cried so much those days leading up to her passing and the days that followed.

Anthony and I had been broken up a week when Ali’s health was failing. I left work early that Tuesday, and ran home, hoping and praying she would be ok, running around like she had times before when she was sick. Sadly, she was laying in the same spot as when I left her. She looked so weak. I knew her fight was ending. My heart was breaking. I knew this day I had dreaded for a very long time was here. I was never going to be ready for this day and without notice it was here. My baby was not going to make the next day. I didn’t know what to do, when I got home to find Ali so sick, especially knowing everyone was at work. I knew Anthony would be home, and knew he cared about me and Ali more than anyone else in LA. I hoped he would come. I called him hysterical crying, he came over shortly after and we ran to the vet. We grabbed her carrier for when she came home, her brush, treats, really anything that would make her happy. Ali weight so little. I held her in my arms wrapped in a towel. I was talking to her sweetly in the car, and telling her how much I loved her. I kept petting her, and praying she would make it. She took a deep breath, a sigh, and was still. Anthony and I screamed/cried and thought she was gone. After pulling over for a quick moment, trying to figure out if she was gone, and then Anthony rushed her to the vet. We ran in, and Anthony told the nurse, “We don’t know if she is still with us.” I was numb. I think I am still numb. The nurse grabbed her and administered CPR. It was not long before they came to tell us the news. She was still with us, but her breathing was weak. The doctor told me it was not good, she was very weak and was not sure she would make it through the night. I could give her fluids and hope she would make it or put her to sleep. The doctor gave me time to think, and decide what was best for her. I knew in heart what the right choice was. I took a few minutes to make the difficult decision. I knew it was her time. She was 18. She lived in 7 homes, 3 states, traveled cross country, was always by my side but it was time for her not to suffer anymore. I took my time saying good-bye, loved her, hugged her, kissed her, and told how amazing she was. I brushed her. I was with her for a very long time, until I was ready. . .ironically I am still not ready.

When the vet gave her the medicine to put her to sleep, Ali stretched out and looked at ease. She was gone minutes later. I took my time leaving the room, took some of her fur, and a paw print.  Nothing felt real. I didn’t want to leave that moment, leave the room, leave the vet. I knew if I left this was all real, and Ali was in fact gone. My buddy who I have loved for 18 years was gone.

The moments leaving the vet were surreal. I didn’t think I would leave with her but I didn’t think I would leave without her. I was in shock, numb, completely floored.

Anthony was a great support. He was caring and amazing when I needed him most. I don’t think I have ever cried so much on someone’s shoulder, and he did his best to calm me. I was thankful he was able to be there with me, as I don’t know how I would have dealt with things alone.  I was a complete mess and still am. I miss Ali dearly. My life is not the same without her.

Ali, my munchkin, my pal, my companion . . .you were the best cat I could have ever ask for. The best 18 years of my life. I will forever miss you. I know you are not suffering anymore,while I miss you terribly, I am thankful for that. Rest in Peace.