DailyFreakOut

After nearly a year of dating, Anthony and I broke up. I will always love him, and miss him terribly. Each day is that much harder but in the end I know this was the right decision. What doesn’t kill us, will make us stronger, right? Dear friends, I hope so.

I am in a newish city, and starting over again. I am lonely, miss home, and wonder what I am doing daily but things will turn around! I sure hope so.

Please think happy thoughts for me in my next stage of my LA adventure.

Throughout this year I have had ups and downs, missed home, and realized I am never going back to NY. Something was always calling me to California. There were points in my life when I never thought I would have the courage and finances to move out here. I started to think it’s now or never, and made the plunge. Now, a year later I have never been happier. I am so thankful for all my friends, and wanted to celebrate my first year here.

This time last year, I was saying my final good-byes to friends I have known for years. I was hours away from starting the adventure I had thought about doing my entire life. I was nothing but happy, and excited about where things would go. I thought I would have been FREAKING OUT, but alas I was as calm as they come. Something had always been calling me out to California. I was about to find out what it exactly it was.

I will never forget this day. My going away party was amazing. Friends I have had for years came to see me off. My mom who I had not spoken to in weeks, came to surprise me. She was still not supporting my decision to move, but she came. I knew she was starting to turn. Thankfully I was right. Good times were had, drinks were drank, memories were remembered, and with that my time in NYC was coming to an end.

I had an amazing 5 years in the best city in the world. I loved my time in NYC. It was some of the happiest years of my life. I will forever cherish the time in NY as the best years of my 20’s!

I was convinced I was going to wake up this morning to find Ali’s lifeless body. Thankfully, I was wrong! I woke up after another restless night of sleeping to find Ali waiting by my door for me! She was hungry, not surprisingly since she threw up yesterday.  She seems much better today, and has a good amount of energy. I am sure she was fine yesterday as well. I was being a little dramatic and Googled. I learned a valuable lesson, never Google!  I was a complete mess last night, crying on and off for hours and Ali is Ali, perfect in her own way. I can only imagine what she was thinking when she saw me crying for hours, and hugging her.

I am giving her better food in small amounts, and sneaking in some tuna. I want to make sure she is eating.

I hope last night was a false alarm. Thank you for all of your positive thoughts of her. They are greatly appreciated.

I am a mess. I noticed blood in Ali’s poop and (stupidly?) Googled it. From what I read I should take her to the emergency ER right away. The articles I have read says her kidneys are falling and her organs could be shutting down.  I have had an awful feeling lately that she was dying. I will admit I have been thinking this from time to time since she was 10 but this time it’s different. She is weak. She is not always using her little box. She has been vomiting. She jumps up to drink water from the sink but doesn’t always make it to the counter. When she doesn’t make it my heart breaks. I know she is getting weaker, and I am dying inside. She has not been cleaning herself well to the point she is getting knotty. I have been told that is a sign she is going downhill.

I know I have been in denial. I know I have not wanted to face the reality. I know she is dying. I do. I can’t afford to take her to the vet or emergency care which is what I have been reading I should be doing. I am so broke from being jobless so long. I would do anything to save her but she is 18. I know it’s not realistic. I know she is not going to live forever. As much as my heart is breaking as I write this. I know it’s true. 

I hope she is not in pain. I hope she goes peacefully in her sleep. I hope to God I am not here alone when it happens. I am a mess now, and nothing has happened. I can’t imagine how I will be when she in fact is gone.

Please pray, if you do that kind of thing, that she goes peacefully and doesn’t suffer much pain. I know she is just a cat to many of you but to me she has been my constant companion for 18 years. I don’t know what I will do without her. Please keep positive thoughts this way. Thank you.

On day 355 of my year in LA I finally got my driver’s license! 

I was putting it off since I was unemployed and didn’t want anything to happen to my benefits until I had a secure job!  I am excited to say I passed on the first try!  I have been driving for years so you would think the driving test would be a cake walk. I was very nervous. Kevin, a good friend out here, told me he failed the first time and I should read the book. I officially was nervous! I am not good with tests to begin with. I had a perfect driving test record in NJ (passed both written and driving tests in one try) and didn’t want to mess that up with the CA test. There was a lot riding on this. I needed to pass!

Lynne, who recently moved to LA took her test nearly right away. She follows the law to the T! You are supposed to get a new license after being here for 10 days. I waited 355 days. Whoops. Lynne reestablished my confidences when she passed her test in one shot. She told me to take the practice test, and I too will pass. I did what she said, and went into the DMV.

I finished the test in 20 minutes freaked out I failed. Some of the questions where very easy and others they really try to trick you, so I was not sure if I was going to pass. I got 5 wrong, but luckily I PASSED! I cheered with joy! The DMV women looked at me like I was nuts, but I was that excited. I passed my test.

Day 355:  I am officially a CA girl!  The license comes in 2 weeks. Can’t wait to show it around proudly!

As you know I was hired and have been working for Alta Hollywood for about 8 weeks now. I have been enjoying it, really liking it, learning a lot and keeping busy.  The building has not opened yet, so we have been working from home many days. I have always thought working from home would be amazing. Sadly not so especially when you just got off of unemployment for 20 months!  When I started Alta I was so over starring at my wall I really could not wait to get to work. Well, the building keeps getting delayed as most construction does and the building has not opened yet. I was started to lose my mind. I am not being challenged. Yes, yes I am enjoying learning a new industry, and loving the social media but I am losing my mind.

I was not looking for a job. I was hoping Alta would open sooner or later and I would be an amazing leasing consultant. I really have no doubt I would have.  About 4 weeks ago, I got an email from the head hunter who placed me at Parade where I worked for nearly 3 years. I could not believe she had an opening out in LA. I felt it was a sign and I knew I was going to land this job. While the timing was not the best, since I was only at Alta for 6 weeks when I gave notice, I need to look out for myself. I do and did feel bad about giving notice mainly because I am friends with my boss Mark before I started to work for him and I never really gave it a shot (since Alta didn’t open yet). I really needed more money, base. I was making over $30K more a year base in my job in NY. I need more money and really could not wait for the building to open. Alta was a great transition back to the work world for me. The hours (right now) are flexible, and we were able to work from home. Yes I was losing my mind but overall it was a good transition to the work world again.

Yesterday was my last day at Alta Hollywood. I am leaving to go work for Vintage Fillings in the division called Check Alt where I will be doing Sales and Marketing. It’s really an amazing opportunity. I was never nervous to take it. It’s very different from anything I have ever done, but now I am very excited about it.  The position base is much higher than Alta and so is the commission. Plus they travel so fingers crossed I may be able to go to NY!  So that is real bonus for me!

I did give Alta an opportunity to counter since I really did want to stay. Unfortunately they were not able to come close to my base at Vintage. I had no choice but to give 2 weeks.

I start at Vintage Filings Monday. I wish I was able to take a few days off but I can’t afford it now especially after being on unemployment for so long. The slap in the face is going to be my new hours, 8-5! I need to be there at 8am. I think I am going to die! I have never had to be at work that early, and now after 20 months of bouncing around and sleeping in I need to be at work at 8am. Hello REALITY check!

Wish me luck on my first day. I will tell ya all about it!

I have been trying to keep this to myself but it’s eating me inside! I must confess. I have fallen off the wagon.  My healthy eating has gone to the waste side since my birthday. Well not completely to the waste side, but have been bad enough. I gained some weight, and am having the hardest time trying to get the weight off again. It’s killing me. I want to be social which is a huge problem since the only way to be social is by eating or drinking all of which have calories!

When I first lost the weight I was very disciplined. I could go out and have will power. I would not order food and drink water, or order something low cal. This will power is gone. Completely gone. I  do my best to eat healthy and go to the gym, but going out kills me. I don’t know how to get back to where I was, and be social.

The five pounds I gained is haunting me. HAUNTING ME! I really need to get back to eating healthy, not drinking as much, remembering water is your friend, and so is the gym. I need to stop being Ms. Social Queen and be Ms. Discipline Queen. I can do it. I have to do it if I want to get back to the small size I once was. It was hard work but when I get there I will maintain it this time. I can’t do this again. I must MUST maintain the weight loss this time. I will. I WILL. I need to get my head back in the game. 

Every week I wake up and say this is it, I am going to be good. I can’t live like this anymore. I want to be skinny again, but then a social outing comes and my day and soon my week are ruined.  I need to stay in the game all the time. Be social, but be good when out. I need to be GOOD! 

Oh will power! I miss you. I miss you so. Please come back to me. SOON.  Thank you in advance!

Today is my 351^st day in Los Angeles. It’s been nearly a year. I can’t believe how fast it has gone. I still find hard to believe I made the leap, and am living my dream. I spent my entire life California dreaming! It took everything I had in me to leave everything I have ever known. I still can’t believe I did it. I do miss home now and again but overall I have never been happier. I miss my mom the most. I would like nothing more than for her to move here.  I am still being positive that one day that could happen.

Now that I have been here nearly a year I can really see how much courage it took to make this move. I can see the scarifies I made.  The life I left behind. I am proud of myself for doing something I have always dreamed about. I am proud I didn’t just think about it. I knew it was something I would always regret. I know if I didn’t move I would always wonder what if. I was starting to get to the point of acceptance, acceptance of not living my dream. Thankfully that all changed when I visited LA Feb 2008. That visited changed the course of my life. From then on I was going to move here to matter what. Something was drawing me out here. I was not about to let that feeling pass me by. I am so proud of myself for doing it.

I have thought now and again could I move back. I think I have made my dream a reality, but do I need to stay here the rest of my life?  Then I realize as much as I do miss my mom and friends this is my new life. This is where I belong. I may not live in Los Angeles forever. This much I do know, I am not moving back east any time soon. I would be lying if I have not thought about it on and off, but truth be told I could not do it. I can’t handle another winter. I can’t deal with the cold rainy days. I do miss the heat of the summer and the fun summer days. I miss the fall when the leaves change color. I miss NYC. I miss the speed. The culture of Manhattan. I miss Central Park. I miss the subways. I miss Welcome to the Johnsons.  I do miss it all, but California is my home. As much as it’s hard for me to believe I live here most of the time, I do.

I am proud, excited and happy to call California my home.

After living in Ca for nearly 10 months, and my unemployment about to run out for the second time finally had some luck. A friend of mine said jokingly I will hire you! I said without a second thought YES! I will take it. I needed to meet the big boss, and knock his socks off. I knew I had this in the bag.

Thankfully things went amazing with the big boss and I am a leasing consultant for Alta Hollywood. It’s a gorgeous, brand new property in the heart of Hollywood. It’s not even open! I have been a member of the team for three weeks now. It’s a completely different industry to me, but I am learning! So far I am loving it. Right now we can only give tours for a few hours in the morning so on the other times I am working on marketing, mostly social media which is my cup of tea!

The days seem to fly! I am thankful for that since going back to work after being jobless for 20 months was something I was dreading. Now that I am working, getting up and motivated is not the most fun in my life, but I am enjoying my time at Alta. The experience so far has been nothing but amazing. The people I work with are super, for the most part have made me feel welcome.

I can’t wait for the building to open, and see how this next venture goes. So far I have never been happier at a new job. (SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, don’t tell my boss I said that.)

 Time will tell!