It’s been a rough few days. I have not had the strength to write anything about what’s been happening. I finally am able to, or so I hope. I think this writing could help me deal with things.

Two weeks ago, the day I have been dreading for the last 8 years happened. Ali, my baby, my buddy, companion for 18 years passed away.  I have prepared for her passing for the last 8 years of her life, cried many many many times for her, and she was always ok. This time, I knew in my heart her battle was over. A few days before she passed she was very weak, frail, was not moving. I held her head to get water, and she drank very little. She was not moving very much. When she moved she walked like she was drunk. I knew her kidneys were shutting down. I was such a mess. I laied with her, and let her know how much I loved her. I told her she didn’t have to hold on for me. I would be ok, and would love her forever. I cried so much those days leading up to her passing and the days that followed.

Anthony and I had been broken up a week when Ali’s health was failing. I left work early that Tuesday, and ran home, hoping and praying she would be ok, running around like she had times before when she was sick. Sadly, she was laying in the same spot as when I left her. She looked so weak. I knew her fight was ending. My heart was breaking. I knew this day I had dreaded for a very long time was here. I was never going to be ready for this day and without notice it was here. My baby was not going to make the next day. I didn’t know what to do, when I got home to find Ali so sick, especially knowing everyone was at work. I knew Anthony would be home, and knew he cared about me and Ali more than anyone else in LA. I hoped he would come. I called him hysterical crying, he came over shortly after and we ran to the vet. We grabbed her carrier for when she came home, her brush, treats, really anything that would make her happy. Ali weight so little. I held her in my arms wrapped in a towel. I was talking to her sweetly in the car, and telling her how much I loved her. I kept petting her, and praying she would make it. She took a deep breath, a sigh, and was still. Anthony and I screamed/cried and thought she was gone. After pulling over for a quick moment, trying to figure out if she was gone, and then Anthony rushed her to the vet. We ran in, and Anthony told the nurse, “We don’t know if she is still with us.” I was numb. I think I am still numb. The nurse grabbed her and administered CPR. It was not long before they came to tell us the news. She was still with us, but her breathing was weak. The doctor told me it was not good, she was very weak and was not sure she would make it through the night. I could give her fluids and hope she would make it or put her to sleep. The doctor gave me time to think, and decide what was best for her. I knew in heart what the right choice was. I took a few minutes to make the difficult decision. I knew it was her time. She was 18. She lived in 7 homes, 3 states, traveled cross country, was always by my side but it was time for her not to suffer anymore. I took my time saying good-bye, loved her, hugged her, kissed her, and told how amazing she was. I brushed her. I was with her for a very long time, until I was ready. . .ironically I am still not ready.

When the vet gave her the medicine to put her to sleep, Ali stretched out and looked at ease. She was gone minutes later. I took my time leaving the room, took some of her fur, and a paw print.  Nothing felt real. I didn’t want to leave that moment, leave the room, leave the vet. I knew if I left this was all real, and Ali was in fact gone. My buddy who I have loved for 18 years was gone.

The moments leaving the vet were surreal. I didn’t think I would leave with her but I didn’t think I would leave without her. I was in shock, numb, completely floored.

Anthony was a great support. He was caring and amazing when I needed him most. I don’t think I have ever cried so much on someone’s shoulder, and he did his best to calm me. I was thankful he was able to be there with me, as I don’t know how I would have dealt with things alone.  I was a complete mess and still am. I miss Ali dearly. My life is not the same without her.

Ali, my munchkin, my pal, my companion . . .you were the best cat I could have ever ask for. The best 18 years of my life. I will forever miss you. I know you are not suffering anymore,while I miss you terribly, I am thankful for that. Rest in Peace.

RIP Ali-Cat 1992-2010