DailyFreakOut

I have officially been living my dream for 11 months. I can’t believe it’s been so long. I was reflecting on my time here, and how I nearly moved July 1^st.  I wanted more time in NY, and I am thankful I took those extra 6 weeks. I needed that time to spend with friends, family and really enjoy NYC!  Now almost a year later I still can’t believe I have moved so far from home.  I can’t believe how fast the time has gone. It seems like yesterday I came to LA and changed my entire life.

I don’t regret coming here. I have loved most days. I have made amazing friends. I know I am not going back to NY/NJ to live again. I know in my heart LA is my home.

Overall I like it here. I will admit there are still hard times. I have made fabulous friends. I feel so lucky to have the friends I have met here but I still feel lost at times.  The friends I have in NJ/NY are friends I have had for years minimum 3 years up to 15 years. Those friendships have built over time into some of the closest friends I have ever known. Friendships take time.  I am lucky I met the friends I have, but it’s different.  I am still struggling to find my place, to find my group of friends. I am still struggling to fit in and not text, call, Facebook to get an invite out.  I feel like I am always the last to be remembered and it’s only I asked what is going on. I hate this feeling. I hate being so lost. I wish more than anything I had close friends here. There are times I have emptiness inside, a whole where my friends from home would fill. At times I feel like I wish I was in NY just to have my friends again.  

I do have some amazing friends here. My birthday was much more than I ever could have dreamed it would be. I have friends I met here by chance, from other friends, former co-workers, all of which have become like family. I know who to call if I ever needed anything and that is a great feeling.  I have a handful of friends I know would do just about anything for me. I know I am darn lucky to have met them, and they have accepted me into their lives. I know that! I just wish it was not so hard sometimes.

I am hoping the longer I am here, the stronger my friendships grow and I feel less and less empty.

I came to Los Angeles after being unemployed for months, not very mobile, and had gained a few pounds. I was not feeling my best. My jeans were feeling a little tighter but didn’t think I gained any weight since the number on scale didn’t move. We all know, our clothes never lie, and it was the truth for me.

I remember going to meet Anthony, my fabulous boyfriend for the first time, putting on jeans that were too tight in the waist with a top that bloused out so you could not see how the rolls were rolling over. I didn’t feel my best but I was going to do my best to rock and meet new people.  We all know Anthony and I did hit it off, but it was not thanks to my extra pounds. The truth is I don’t think he was really attracted to me until I made the realization, I needed to lose weight. He had already begun to his Lifestyle Change. At the time he called it a diet. I hate that word and quickly dubbed it a Lifestyle Change. I was watching him count calories, work out and saw the pounds melt away.  I had been toying with the idea of losing weight for years always around the summer, but never really did anything about it. I had never worked out before. The thought of going to a gym was daunting, and intimidating to me. Plus in NYC, gym memberships were very expensive and I never made enough money.  I had the best of intentions to get in shape, but I never followed through.  Finally when I saw Anthony losing weight in what seemed to be an easy method, I thought I can do this. After much thinking, and debating on whether this is what I really wanted to do, I told Anthony I was ready to lose 10 pounds. I was ready to make the change! I remember this moment, very clearly. I don’t think I will ever forget it. I know now this is a moment that has forever changed the outlook of my life. I know now this where my life took a complete 360° for the better.

Anthony was a key role in my Lifestyle Change. If it was not for his support and guidance I would never have had the guts to take the step to be healthier.  Anthony explained how weight loss works, which to some might seem obvious but to someone like me who never watched what I ate, it was all new.  He explained in order to lose 1 pound you need to cut 3,500 calories from your diet through diet and exercise.  As soon as those words left his mouth I thought this is going to be really tough for me, but I can do this! I really was ready to make a positive change.  

Through searching on Google I figured how much I should weigh based on my height, how many calories I should be eating and how many should be cut from my diet.  I wanted to lose 10 pounds. I started off with an attainable goal for myself. I didn’t want to push myself to hard. I wanted to make this something I wanted to do. Through my research I found I should be eating 1,500 calories a day, which I cut to 1,000. I found out in order to keep my metabolism going, it’s best to eat 4-5 times a day, every 2-3 hours, small meals. I started a food log that listed everything I ate that day, the time I ate it, and the calories for each item in a spread sheet.  I started everyday weighing myself and put it in the food log to keep track of my progress.  

For the first few weeks I was not going to the gym. I wanted to see if I could lose the weight without working out.  I never worked out a day in my life and was intimated to join a gym. I knew my body was in horrible shape. Plus I hated physical activity. I walked everywhere and thought that was enough. The truth is walking is never enough, I know that now.  The first week I lost a pound, but the progress seem slow. I was only cutting my calories I was consuming. I had not attempted to work out. The gym was calling my name. I took the leap, and decided to check out gyms. I went to three gyms in walking distance. Finally I ended up at 24 Hour Fitness since many of my friends, including Anthony belonged there.  

I knew joining the gym was the final step in the Lifestyle Change I needed. I was going to get to my goal now! I made the goal of burning at least 500 calories at the gym using cardio machines. Those 500 calories burned, and the 500 calories cut from my diet totaled 1,000 calories a day. I wanted to hit my final goal before heading back to NY/NJ in December. The pounds started to come off. I was so excited to wake up and weigh myself. When the scale went down it was the best feeling in the world. My hard work was paying off!  I won’t lie getting into working out was not easy for me, but now for the most part I love it. 

Anthony took me the gym for the first time to show me how to use the machines. I had never been on a cardio machine before. I had no clue how to use it, and no idea how hard I would be. Without thinking Anthony put the elliptical machine on level 10 resistance. I thought I was going to cry. That was not how I wanted to start my working out experience. Quickly he lowered it to level 5 resistance.  I was able to handle that, and see I am very capable of working out. I thought I can do this! I started going to the gym 6 times a week, and burned a minimum of 500 calories, for the most part I burned over that, closer to 800. I thought I walked 1.5 miles to the gym. I was there, might as well get the most out of my walk.  

Some days I love the gym, and could not wait to get there. Other days I dragged myself there, but always burned at least 500 calories. I wanted to get the weight off. The Lifestyle Change was a positive change for me. I am living a healthier lifestyle and could not be happier!

 

I have been journaling, and FREAKING OUT about my move to Los Angeles since last April. It’s been over a year of sharing my moments of excitement, nervousness, anxiety taking you through my journey moving from New York to Los Angeles.  Over this year I have shared very personal moments, emails from my mom, true feelings, and pictures of my life. I have loved sharing these. It’s become a time capsule for me to go through and relive the past year.  

I am happily living in Los Angeles for 8 months. I have happily made the transition I have dreamed about my entire life. I can happily say I feel like Los Angeles is my home.

Let’s face it. There is not a ton of FREAKING OUT left to do. I am truly happy with my life, and am finding rare moments to write about, which I am sure you have seen from my lack of recent posts.  I have decided to take the DailyFreakOut in a different more positive direction. I want to share my new journey. I am living healthier, eating better, and thinking more positive. I want to bring this positiveness to my blog, and share all the positive things I have been doing to improve myself. That is not to say I won’t post updates about my move and finally landing a job. I will still update the blog on those exciting happens but they will be few and far between especially since the only thing I (still) need is a job to be fully settled.

Here is to the next year of my journal, of my life, in a new positive way, as they say, the best is yet to come!

 

This time last year I never thought Ali-cat would make through another year. She was very ill, and was diagnosed with kidney disease. I thought Ali was a goner for sure.  Again, she has proved me wrong. Today, April 23rd, we celebrate the birth of my munchkin 18 years ago! I am so lucky to still have her around. When I first got her I had no idea I was committing myself to at least 18 years, I can’t imagine my life without her. It's hard to think of a time in my life when I didn't have her by my side. She has been my constant companion from NY to LA. She has lived in 7 homes, 3 states, and lived through many interesting adventures. Here is an ode to her through the years!

Happy Birthday Ali! Can't wait for the next 18 years!!!

I followed up today with company I went on three interviews.  My feeling has always been if a company wants you especially after 3 interviews they will contact you!  But, the economy sucks and I need a job. I want to stay top of mind, and know if they picked a candidate so I can move on and not wonder anymore. I tried calling HR a few times last week, and got her voice mail. I didn’t want to leave a message and have to wait for a call back. I hoped today the HR manager would be back from vacation, and I would have some news. I called this afternoon. Finally the HR manager was in. I found out the interviews are going slower than they thought. Plus people have been on vacation so the decision has taken longer than they thought.  She said they won’t decide for a few more weeks, but will keep me in the loop. I wanted to scream, “WHY are you still interviewing?! I am the perfect candidate. I am the perfect one for this job. I am the ONE YOU WANT.” Instead I said thank you, and I would appreciate being kept in the loop, with a smile.

I was not surprised at all, and thought at least I was not told they hired someone else. I am still in the running for the online marketing manager position, AKA the dream job. I am going to keep applying for jobs and working on out-of-the-box ideas to get my resume in the right hands and get hired!

On another positive note, it looks like a 30 day unemployment extension could pass. By May 4^th a longer extension could be in the works. At the very least 30 days is better than nothing, and I will keep applying to get a fabulous full time job! Keep those fingers and toes crossed. I will get a job sooner or later!

I am still looking for a job. I am doing my best to be positive. I am doing my best not to be stressed. I am beyond depression. Why be depressed? I am making the most of the situation, and know I will have a job sooner than later. Tomorrow April 12, Congress decides if there is going to be another extension on unemployment. I am not counting on anything. I am hoping for the best, but expecting not to have another extension. I hope to hear about the job I went on 3 interviews this week. I am being positive things are happening, slowly but they are happening.

I need to remind myself while not having any income is very scary and stressful I can handle this. I will make it work. I will figure out how to pay my rent, my bills, eat, and get by with little income. Hopefully I will find a full time job, but if not I am very open to doing odds and end jobs or retail. I am hoping retail doesn’t happen but I am staying positive and open to all avenues in order to get by.

This situation will work out, and I will learn from it. It can only make me stronger. I will be ok. I have my health, great friends, a fabulous boyfriend, and overall happiness. Money and a job will come. I hope sooner than later. Please cross fingers, toes, eyes, back hairs anything that can be crossed so I get a full time job soon.

I have not blogged in awhile.  I am very stressed at the moment. About 3 weeks ago, I found out I only have 7 weeks left to unemployment benefits. Ever since then I have been applying for jobs, networking, and researching possible job situation like mad, leaving very little time for a social life or blogging. I have been so focused AKA stressed I have not wanted to blog about my situation, better to push forward and not put this out in the blogging world. I am ready to write about my stress now.

I have been unemployed since October of 2008. I won’t lie, I have enjoyed not waking up at 7am to get to work. I have enjoyed not having a structured life most days.  I have missed interacting with people daily, and some days having a place to go. My time of leisure is coming to an end in 4 weeks whether I like it or not. The time has come, and I need a job.  I am being realistic to the times we are living in. Jobs have been cut, employees are doing double even triple the work and companies are taking their time hiring. I am looking at all avenues. I was a senior marketing manager at a publication in NYC. I have worked for 8 years in marketing, events and PR. I know how to work the media outlets with my words better than most, and yet I can’t seem to land a job. Yes, it’s been over a year and a half. My competition is fierce, times are tough all over, and I am feeling it. While, I have been sad, depressed and stressed out of my mind about this, I know I will survive, I will get a job doing something, and I will be a stronger person for this. In the meantime, the stress is palpable.

Today was a good day. I am feeling less like I want to jump off a bridge and more like I can handle this. THIS is nothing but a setback, NOTHING I can’t handle. I have been searching for “gig” positions on Craig’s List, applying for anything marketing, events, PR related ANYTHING. I have been applying to assistant jobs, promotional jobs, and the dreaded retail. While retail is of course my last option I am being realistic with the fact that it is a possibility. As long as I am able to make about what I made with my unemployment (which is not a heck of a lot of money), I will be ok. Whatever I end up doing this just for now, and will continue to find the marketing/events/PR job of my LA dream!  Minor setbacks happen all the time to the best of us. People have been experiencing many many set backs through the economic downturn. Many people have overcome so much more than this. If this challenge is all I have to overcome, I am lucky. I still have my health, my roof (at least for now) and food in my tummy.  I will find a job, keep my apartment, pay my bills, feed myself and my darling Ali. I am being confident a job is out there with my name on it, and I will find it. I have 4 weeks, and it will happen.

Like all setbacks I have good and bad days. Each day depends on how I deal with the stress, how I am able to manage the situation and push forward. Here is hoping to more good days than bad ones! Please send all the positive thoughts my way, in hopes I find a job.

In the meantime, if you are reading this and you know any position in marketing, events, PR in the LA area, please let me know. Check out my LinkedIn page with all job experience.  Thank you in advance, any and all help is much appreciated!

I am lost. I have been unemployed since October 2008. I used to work in marketing for various magazines in New York.  I never was sure I ever liked marketing, business or working in an office. Growing up I always thought I would be some sort of journalist. I never thought I would work in an office doing the 9 to 5 thing. I never really thought I could sit still long enough to work in a cubicle for 8 hours. Somehow, that is exactly what happened. I somehow became everything I always thought I would never be.

When I graduated from Hofstra University, I didn’t have much of a choice. My parents were cutting me off in July and I needed a real job.  I wasn’t given a lot of time to figure things out. I send out a few broadcasting reels to very small markets in the south, but for obvious reasons I heard nothing. I quickly realized my big plan to be a journalist was not going to be as easy as I thought it would be.

July 1, 2001 I started working at Barnes & Noble Publishing in the coffee table division called Metrobooks. On July 1^st 2001 my dream of being a journalist began to slip through my fingers. The older I got the faster it slipped through my fingers. Nearly 9 years later, my dream of journalism is all gone. I don’t know how I was ever so naïve to think I would become a broadcast journalist. I really was living in a dream world. If I only could tell the 18 year old Pamela what I know now, life would be so different. First I would tell myself you will never be able to pay off those student loans. I would tell myself figure out a real occupation you love. Broadcasting is a far dream. You may make it, but you won’t most likely. Last, if you still decide to go to an insanely expensive school, make the most of your education. Get everything out of it you can. You are going to be paying for it for years to come, literally. Sadly I don’t have the opportunity to go back to give the 18 year old Pamela the truth of the real world. I need to deal with the consequences of the choices I have made from 18 to present day.

I am so lost as to what I should be doing with my life. I am not sure if marketing is where I should be. I don’t know what I should be doing with my life. I have so many different ideas of what I should do, but will any of it work? Will I just be one of those undeceive people who roam from job to job trying to figure out their lives? I really hope not. I used to have such drive, and passion for what I did. That died awhile ago. Will I become my loser father? Dear God, my only hope for myself is I become something more than my father, which is not going to be hard. (I say now.) I know I am in a cross roads with my career. Am I going to continue with marketing or venture to something new?

I have always wanted to move to Los Angeles. I am here now, but am wondering if I was just trying to get away from the life I had in New York. Was I merely running away from my reality?  Running away from dealing with my parents, my friends, my life? I have always wanted to move to Los Angeles so I don’t think I was running away 100%. I do think it was great timing to move since still have unemployment, but moving at 30. I am wondering if moving at 30 cross country was the brightest idea. I was somewhat established in New York, had best friends since grade school, was comfortable in my environment, and only lived 2 hours from where I grew up. Why leave? Yes, to pursue my dream, but I am in LA now, and still am so lost. 

I am not going back to New York any time soon, if ever. I am happy here. I just need to figure out what the heck I am doing with my life. I need to get back to work, the sooner the better!  I need to start saving again, work on rebuilding my 401K, and my travel fund. I need to establish myself in Los Angeles in whatever industry I end up in. I need to create goals for myself and stick to them.

I really hope things start coming together, and I get out of this rut I have been in for over a year. I need some positiveness my way, and I need it yesterday!

I have lived in my Melrose Place apartment since for almost 6 months. About 2 months after living in my new fabulous apartment, wearing my killer high heel boots, I was startled by banging in the apartment below me. I have lived in many apartments in my life, always above people. I have never experienced anything like this banging before. I quickly realized the person was banging because of my killer boots. I took them off quickly and didn’t my best not to wear shoes around the apartment.

A few weeks later, I received a phone call from the manager, Brandon. The person below had been complaining about my heavy walking.  Brandon said the guy who lives below me is very nice, and had never complained before in the 6 years he had managed this building. The man below me said my walking is so loud; he wakes up in the middle of the night from my heavy walking. The man claims I walk around my apartment all hours of the evening. I walk very hard so it wakes him from a deep sleep making it impossible for him to get back to sleep.  To be honest, I was a little taken back by these complaints. First I don’t walk around my apartment all the time. Second, I had just gotten back from not being in my apartment for almost 2 weeks. How could there have been “heavy walking” if I was not there? Could it have been my adorable 8 pound Ali?

Brandon kept insisting he is a very nice man who has lived here for over 6 years, and had never complained before about anyone.  I of course, find it hard to believe I am the only one he has ever complained about, but I am leaning towards agreeing with the manager. Why would he lie to me?

I apologize profusely. I told him I will make every effort to walk lighter, put my shoes on right before I leave and not drop things. (I am such a klutz, can’t help the dropsys). I had been making every effort imaginable. The man below kept banging. The banging was becoming uncontrollable. I started to feel jumpy, and unsettled in my own apartment. I kept waiting for him to bang. A few weeks later Brandon called again. The man kept calling Brandon to complain. The man said if things don’t improve he is going to send a letter to management. I started to FREAK OUT! All I was doing was walking. I apologized to Brandon for having to deal with his, and told him I am making every effort imaginable to walk softer. I told him I have lived above many people in my life and have never had this problem before. I told him I am not sure what else I can do to rectify the situation but I was willing to do so. Brandon told me he had been through the same situation when he first moved here. I just needed to walk softer and make a conscious effort to be quieter.  

Every since these phone calls I have been making every effort to be quieter in my apartment. I am very aware of my walking. I know my building is old and the floor squeaks when I walk.

The phone calls from Brandon stopped, the banging didn’t but now there were also visits from the man below me.  I had been imagining the man below to be an older gentleman who walked with a cane that he used to bang the ceiling.  I was so wrong. The man was about 6’4, and my age. I was shocked to see how young he was. I would have thought a young man would be more understanding, but not this one!  The man came to my door trying to intimidate me. I refused to apologize, and stood my ground. The man told me all he hears is thumping, and it’s impossible to study with that thumping all the time.  I told him I am making every effort to walk softer, but there is so much I can do. I told him I can’t walk on the ceiling. Finally he left. 

I was starting to feel like I could not move in my own apartment. The banging continued, and soon I had another visit. This time the man threatened me telling me saying management told him if he complains one more time I will be evicted. I found this hard to believe but was nearly impossible to control myself and not FREAK OUT! I love my Melrose Place apartment. I don’t want to move! I made some calls to friends who have lived in LA for awhile or own properties. I found out I cannot be evicted for walking. I need real noise complaints. Someone suggested I get a restraining order against the man downstairs, and to make sure I make all my complaints about him to management in writing. I decided the restraining order was a little much for right now, but would email management.

I sent management this email.

Management-

I am sure by now you are aware of the issues of the noise from my apartment to the apartment below me, number 3.   I have been living in apartments for over 5 years; always have been the top floor. I was shocked to hear about the noise complaints, and did my best to make an effort to improve the situation quickly. As soon as the manager of the complex, Brandon told me about the problem I have made various changes in my walking patterns throughout the apartment by doing my best to walk softer, putting my shoes on by the door, and not dropping things. Although, I know I have made a diligent effort to walk as soft as I can, I need to be able to live my life, in a normal manner.  The occupant in apartment 3 has banged the ceiling at least 10 times over the course of 3 months. The banging is startling, disrespectful, discourteous, and plane annoying. While the walking could be annoying to him, the banging is out of control. I am getting to the point where I am uncomfortable to move in my own apartment.

On at least three occasions  January 5^th,  February 4^th, and February 18^th the occupant of apartment 3 came up to my door to complain about the noise. Two out of the three times, I was about to leave my apartment, and my shoes were on. The occupant has asked me to walk softer, and not put my shoes on while in the apartment.  I am not about to put my shoes on outside to appease the occupant of apartment 3. While I do understand where he is coming from, I am making an effort to walk softer. There is no need for him to come up to my apartment to tell me he can hear me walking. I feel harassed by the occupant. I feel as though he is trying to scare me to stop walking around my apartment.  I do not feel safe having this gentleman coming up to my door, harassing me about my walking. I know the walls in these buildings are very thin. I am now very aware of this, and do my best not to make a lot of noise. From now on, I will not be opening my door for the occupant of apartment 3. I am a single female, living alone and do not feel safe having a gentleman knocking on my door harassing me.  If the occupant, has anything to say to me, please ask him to go directly through Brandon, as I feel I am being harassed by him.

I am constantly in a nervous, jumpy state since the banging and knocking began. I know I am new to this building, but I have always paid my rent on time. I love living here, and would love nothing more than this situation to improve. Please let me know if you have any other suggestions on how that can happen besides walking softer. 

Please respond to confirm this email has been received.

Thank you-

Pamela

Thankfully I have not heard a bang, or had a visit from the man below me in about 2 weeks. I hope the email to management has rectified the situation and I can live and peace in my awesome apartment.